And it changed everything.
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“Therapy” a word that once carried the stigma of a troubled childhood or a mid-life crisis is now worn as a badge of honor, almost a necessity. I remember going to therapy for my first time in college after my then-boyfriend communicated to me that the thoughts and feelings I had were not thoughts and feelings he had regularly. At the time, I hadn’t realized I had been struggling with depression most of my life until late night talks in bed peeling away at the layers I had built up over the years. Feelings and thoughts I had always dealt with by running miles and miles, listening to music that soothed my soul, or going to yoga.
Fast forward to about three-ish years ago when I was recovering from an extremely toxic job, emotionally abusive boss, and struggling to figure out if my boyfriend of three years was “the one,” I decided it was time to go back. My therapist was incredible - she made me realize so many things about myself, my surroundings, my upbringing, that deep down I already knew but had trouble accepting. Personally, I think that’s truly what therapy is - it’s having those conversations with yourself that you’ve already been having for so long you’ve almost become immune to your intuition.
At the same time this was all happening, I had started Right Foot Creative. I no longer cared to go to brunch and spend $200 on drinks and Ubers, rather I wanted to wake up and create. Whether that meant going on a hike, doing a styled photoshoot, or getting coffee with other like-minded individuals, I entered a point in my life where I acknowledged that for me to feel “whole” I needed to pay attention to things that made me feel holistically well - including my gut. I stopped drinking as much, ate less sugar, and dedicated myself to my small business and my mental and physical well-being. I read books about the universe, went to yoga daily, and started integrating superfoods like Maca and Ashwagandha into my diet. To my friends/family/anyone who lived in the state of Virginia or Washington, DC - let’s just say these were not common avenues of self-care or awareness.
Once I moved to San Francisco, I again tried to go back to verbal therapy. It resonated with me that it just really didn’t accomplish what I wanted it to. For so long I’ve believed in the connection between your gut and mind, manifestation, gratitude, trust, and the body’s reactions to triggers like anxiety, depression, etc and verbal therapy just never addressed these emotions as I perceived them, especially when it came to relationships.
In my relationships I’ve always been the masculine energy between myself and my significant other. Me being the go with the flow, everything will figure itself out type of person, them being the doting futuristic of the two. I met someone recently who surfaced this in the most intense way I had ever felt. Everything seemed so right - he balanced me in all of the ways I needed. He graced me with patience when I had none, led me with a sense of direction when I was the queen of indecision, and ultimately loved me so deeply so quickly, I couldn’t fully grasp it. I struggled to make sense of why I couldn’t fully give myself to someone who had everything I thought I needed and it was incredibly frustrating.
Ultimately, we did not stay together and I was heartbroken. I had made the decision to do this - so why was I so torn apart? I had never experienced such a clear physical and emotional reaction to ending a relationship like this and was determined to understand 1. how we got to this point 2. if I was incapable of fully immersing myself into a relationship and getting over my fear of commitment.
As I mentioned, I’m not traditional when it comes to “therapy” so I reached out to an energy healer. As 2019 would have it, we zoomed from different cities as I spilled my heart and she graced me with kind eyes and an understanding soul. Acknowledging the traits of my sign and giving me guidance in ways that made sense to me, I started to understand myself a little better. She helped me to see that all of this frustration, indecision, and inconsistency was a result of the wall I had built up so high, for so many years based on past experiences, which contributed to this masculine energy. This fear of commitment and ability to compartmentalize my emotions was something I knew about myself, but not in this capacity.
One of my favorite things that she told me is that there are soulmates and soul contracts. A soulmate being someone who is the yin to your yang - they balance out your soul and bring you ultimate joy and peace, while a soul contract is someone who comes into your life to teach you something. This applies to friendships, relationships, etc. We talked about my relationship and which of the two it felt more like. Was it binding? And why was I so fearful? Fortunately, by the end of this session I felt lighter and had a deeper understanding of myself.
My conversations with her were full of magic. While she is a reiki in LA, I knew that I wanted to experience hands-on practice here in San Francisco. I Googled away, did my research, and made a few calls. I connected with one over the phone that just felt right, so I made an appointment. The morning I went to see my reiki, I had been a bit of a wreck. I had just seen this human who had meant so much to me and realized that yin and yang we were not. I was so exhausted emotionally and mentally, and beyond ready to move forward with my life with a better understanding of myself.
When I walked in pale-faced with swollen eyes she smiled and said to me, “Reiki always comes to you at a time when you need it most. Grab a seat.” She asked me what brought me in and I didn’t give up too much other than I was struggling to understand why I couldn’t fully open up to this individual and how exhausted I was of feeling so emotionally drained and frustrated. I laid down on the bed in a room that smelled of incense and peace as she told me gently that she would be using her breath, hand movements, and her own energy to understand what was going on deep within me. If you’ve ever seen the series The OA, the sound effects and the movements legit reminded me of that. She first touched the bottom of my feet, then rested her hand on my heart, gently pulsated my temples, and used her breath to guide the practice. I had moments when I felt as though I was floating above myself, but I didn’t know if that was due to exhaustion or the magic of this practice. I felt her hands softly and sporadically, but the energy I felt exuding from her was consistent. 45 minutes later she let me know that we were done and gave me a few minutes to adjust to reality. It had the same effect of having a massage. I was a bit tired and dehydrated.
When we sat down to discuss the things she felt and saw, she cried. I won’t go into too much detail, but she essentially echoed everything that my energy healer said to me even though they have zero connection to each other. She told me of the things she saw from my past and the things she could feel me hiding from and pushing away in the present. She saw the roots of these pains, frustrations, joys, adventures and the path life was ready to lead me on. The way she saw me was so insanely attuned to the way I saw my inner self but had never truly understood or acknowledged it, that it shocked me. I was drained. I can’t really describe it all or how it happened, but within a few days, my state was completely shifted. I could see the person I had always been but with a gentler touch and understanding. All of these experiences, thoughts, heartaches, pitfalls, highs, and lows had a purpose and I finally felt free.
I guess this is a long way of telling you that I’m a true believer in the notion that thoughts become things. When we manifest something within our mind, we manifest that thought to come to fruition through our actions and words. I’m lucky to have found an outlet that came to me at a time when I was hiding in fear due to my pride and ego, and have come out of this experience a way I could have never imagined. If you’re searching for understanding, solace, or curious about where your current path is leading you, I think you may be guided to find the magic within yourself too.
If you have any questions - I am beyond happy to answer them and to also refer you to both of these amazing humans who have shown me this new light ✨